Tuesday, November 27, 2012

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Mommy Truths 1: Who's to blame?

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Two post in one day, this is defiantly a record, but I felt this post was needed.

I have started a new series called Mommy Truths. I will talk about all the easy and hard things about being a mom. The good, the bad and the ugly. Things someone may not think about until after becoming a mom. This is no particular order and just here. Every week will be a different subject until I have ran out of truths, which may never happen!

Mommy truth number one is blame. Blame can happen regardless of if you are a mother or not. It happens everywhere. But unless you are a mother you will not get blamed for another person's well-being.

Blame can happen anywhere, in any shape or form. You see it all the time, everyone does it, even you the reader, and even me! Blame can come from a complete stranger, a close friend or relative or even someone you just meet. You have a sick child, people will blame you and say your not taking care of your child properly. They have a small cut or scratch on them, people say you weren't watching your child like you were supposed to. You are at the store and your child is throwing a fit, people blame you for not punishing your child. Blame happens everywhere. You may even blame yourself for something.

I see blame as a mommy truth due to the fact that before a child you can blame yourself for something and brush it off, but once its your own child its different. You blame yourself for your child having to wear wet clothes because you forgot to pack an extra outfit that day. You could even blame yourself for your baby fussing in the backseat while driving somewhere and blaming yourself because he or she is tired and you knew nap time was close but figured they could nap in the car but instead of quietly falling asleep they are screaming and crying. Those are a few examples. But it does happen, it happens to everyone. But the worst pain is being blamed, by your own self or someone else, for your childs well-being.

And regardless of being a new mom or even a been there done that mom, shit happens. You forget things, kids behave badly at times. You need to remember not to always blame yourself for every little thing. You are human after all, not a robot!



Now lets talk about the blame game. I'm going to use the example from today, the reason I wrote this post and started this series. Yesterday my fiance and I took our Prince out to get his photos done, today we had to go pick them up. I'm standing there looking at the photos, making sure they are what I want before leaving and I feel my shirt getting wet. Now I had just changed his diaper before we left, its a 25-30 minutes car ride and we were only there maybe 5 minutes. I look over at my fiance and say "Can you take him I think he leaked through." Now I'm wondering how he leaked through, he hasn't even been in the diaper maybe 40 minutes. Well low and behold he had leaked through. His diaper is full. I was shocked. So we change his diaper and I realize that I forgot to pack spare clothes. Now, I'm pretty laid back at time and this was one of those times. Not a big deal, we can use a wipe to clean it off his pants and just reuse them, we were going right home after we got the photos anyways. But leave it to my fiance to make a huge deal out of it in the photo place. He was so upset by it I was shocked. You would of though I hurt my baby and did it intentionally. Now I'm still not making a huge deal out of it, he is and he wont talk to me. Fine, he can be mad at me or whatever. So we are walking back to the car and he points out where some paint is chipped on the car. Yesterday I had accidentally hit the door on a rubber part of a post. Now I remember hitting the post at the end of the door not the middle where the paint is chipped. So I say "I didn't do that, I hit the door and the end by the handle not the middle, plus the dent is too round for that to be where I hit." He tries to tell me again thats where I hit. So I said "Fine, blame me. We will add it to the 'things that is Taylor's fault' list. What's one more thing?" Now heres there the blame game kinda kicks in. I have a perfectly capable fiance who could of easily double checked the diaper bag or even packed it himself! There are also many number of ways that dent and paint chip ended up on the car door. I do not point fingers unless I know for sure 100% it was someone. I hate the blame game and will happily take the blame for something I did. If it wasn't me and someone is trying to blame me I will state I didn't do it and its up to whoever to place blame where they feel.

I'm the mom, so everything dealing with baby if automatically mom's fault. It's never dads fault. It will always be mom's fault because a lot of people grew up in a society where the mother does everything and the father brings home the money and thats it. Its very rare people will say its both parents faults. Its always the mother. You see a single dad and the mother isn't in the picture, without even knowing the situation people assume the mother didn't want the child and left him or her with the dad.

If someone, anyone, has a legit reason for why everything is always the mothers fault I would love to hear it. I don't see why its always up to mother to do everything when men are capable of doing things for the child. Just because I carried this child around for 9 months and gave birth, does not mean everything dealing with the child is only my responsibility and the father had nothing to do with it.



Due to recent comments this post has received I feel I need to add on and maybe clear things up.
I am a stay at home mom, we made that choice months ago prior to moving into a different state. There is a lot of back history but the shortened version is this: We meet at work, I was living with my mother at the time and he his father. We started dating and I had to quit my job due to my mother moving and me having to follow. He got fired due to a mistake and was having issues finding a new job. His mother offered a bedroom in her home to us if we choose to do so. After a lot of thinking on my part, since this would be a huge step for me and my child, I finally made the choose to accept his mothers offer and we spent the last bit of money we had to move(we spent 3 days on the road total). Upon arriving his uncle said he would be able to get him job but he had so long to get up here. Now when we arrived his uncle feel through, made a BUNCH of excuses and ultimately we were fucked now. Since then he has been working 2 jobs to save so that we can get out, he is also working towards getting his certificates in computers. I have looked for a job but with one car and being in a not so safe city I fear taking public transportation, plus no one has called me back about hiring me. I have even tried finding a work from home job and have had no luck. Now my S/O is in no way lazy or not helpful. He really is and if this post made anyone think otherwise I apologize. He is more helpful than most men are with my son. My son is not his child biologically, he had adopted my son as his own and accepts and views him as his own regardless of if its on paper or not. My son's sperm donor, is not in the picture and does not give my son the child support he deserves or needs, my fiance pays for everything and has even offered to help me out before we started dating. My sperm donor has no contact with my son or even me for that fact. My son sees my fiance has his father since fiance is the only father figure my son has even known.
I get a ton of help from my fiance and he even gave me an off day and did basically everything dealing with the baby, I got up once to make him a bottle, thats it. I don't know any one who would do that. He helps me when he's home from work and when he's off. We both realize our jobs are hard in different ways and try our best to help the other out. He always gives me a foot rub, asked or not, at least once a day, we let each other sleep in depending. We do work well together but we will have our bad days were, for whatever reason, we can't completely work together, but it happens.
As for my MIL, thats a completely different story, I live with her therefore her input will happen way too much. I have talked this over with my fiance and have told him that I do not feel its appropriate for her to input into our relationship, as well as that I feel if she can input into ours then I can input into hers, I have not done so and will not but facts are facts. I have told her and so has my fiance that she needs to not input and her response is "Thats my son and I will protect him." I get that, but he made the choice to be with me and our issues are our issues and she doesn't need to input. At the same time, I did put myself in this situation, but I do plan on getting out this house sooner rather than later and my family and I will be moving at least a days drive away and will be in charge of when and how she visits.
I have a backbone, I have things I want to say but feel it was cause conflict we do not need at the moment so I keep my mouth shut and tell my fiance how I really feel later on. He already knows where I stand with his mother and I do not plan on letting someone walk all over me. I have gotten to that point where I do say somethings to her but I try not to say everything I want to say to her. Maybe we(Fiance, MIL and myself) need to sit down and have a conversation about everything going on and see where we go from there. We are in a situation none of us really want to be in and it makes things so much harder on all of us. I do need to have a nice long chat with my fiance when no one is home and I can say everything openly without worrying about his mother over hearing us. Some days I do worry he's not backing my up fully and still a momma's boy but I also feel its communication on our part because when we do have a convo when his mother is home she does sometimes input(which I try to shut down and tell her she needs to not input because it is my fiance's and I's convo and does not include her).
I hope I have cleared things up.

3 comments:

  1. seems you have maintained low expectations from your partner and he is living up to them.

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    1. I actually do expect a lot from him. It's his mother who sits here telling me I need to do everything because I'm the woman and he gets to sit on his ass all day because he goes to work. I however refuse to do so, it's not how I work and he knows that.

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  2. Taylor,

    I don't know that it is always the mom's fault but it does appear that your partner is one of those guys when he get frustrated he needs to pick and find things until he gets you upset so he can justify his over reaction to things. What happen with your child always happens and every once in a while we forget our diaper bag and have to wrap our child in our clothes as we run into Target for a spare outfit.

    First of all, before you all find that wedded bliss, you might want to take a few classes just to learn how to work together. And secondly, get your future mother-n-law out of your relationship there. She is there to spread wisedom not to cause conflict.

    Third, I don't know your employment status but just because you don't walk into an office does not mean that you are not employeed. Raising a child is a full time important responsiblitiy that I am sure the two of you discussed prior to you leaving your career.

    Raising a child takes two parents, your partner can not donate sperm and his responsibilities end there. It does not work that way.

    Cynthia

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