Update and Fruit Crazy!

So I know I've been very slowly lately with post but to be honest I just haven't had any muse or even felt the need to post. I rarely ever have anything to post about and when I do I'm just too lazy and I keep putting it off. So I'm going to try to get better at posting. Currently its been pretty crappy outside lately, which probably doesn't help with my mood at all. Its all dark and icky and rainy outside. Just not good weather, and it really does mess with my mood.

There have been lots of small arguments going on around the house and people in crappy moods, its just not fun at all.

Last week my fiance and I took our son and his cousin to the Museum of Science and Industry here in Chicago. It was fun, would of been better if our son had had a real nap that day instead of a short 30 minute nap, so he was pretty fussy that day. I did take lots of pics but its so hard to put them on my computer and upload them, I will have to steal my fiancé's computer for a bit to post them. But I'll try to do that this weekend.

I'm currently trying to go back to college, but there just hasn't been any time to go and check it out and apply. I'm not sure if they are opened on Saturday's and when I call no one picks up and no one has yet to call me back, which is kinda annoying and makes me NOT want to go there but what can you do? I want to get my life together, I want to go to school and have a degree, there aren't many colleges to look at here and no one to really say "Hey I go here and its cool," I have my future SIL and the college she goes to is the one I'm trying to go to. My fiance has been working Monday-Friday lately, I can't go alone because I have no clue where I am going or what to do. And if any mom's out there have ever tried to do things for yourself and you have to bring your one year old with you, you know how hard it can be to go alone. Not only that but I will have to take a test and what am I supposed to do with him while I test? LOL. I want to go before May hits, so hopefully he'll have a day off during the week so we can go.

In other news, eating healthy in this family is hard.

I'm gonna be honest with all of you, I do get help from the government, I get LINK(money on a card). I get $360 a month for food(grocery's only). I feed 6-7 people with that money. I am ALWAYS spending over budget because lets me honest, that's not enough for all those people. And no one pitches in for groceries to all and every month my future MIL bitches b.c I spend over. Me and her have a lot of issues and I can't wait to get out.

This family is kinda fruit crazy. I bought a watermelon, 6 big apples, 6 bananas, and a pineapple the other day. In 4 days the bananas, apples and half the watermelon was gone. Now today(7 days later) all that's left is the pineapple because no one has cut it up yet.

I think next time I go to the store I'm just gonna buy 20 apples and 20 bananas since those go the fastest. HAHA! And I only ate half a banana and 1.5 apples(I share with my son). Its crazy!

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100 Questions 26-49

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?  Ever After, Pride & Prejudice, all the Pirates movies, Moulin Rouge, Beauty and The Beast …I could go on and on. 

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My fiance.

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? girl scout when I was little.

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Mmmm.. Maybe. 

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Its been a while...

31:Can you change the oil on a car? Does going somewhere to get it done count? LOL. I can do some of it, not all. Thankfully my fiance can! 

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nah. I'm too good. >>

33:Ever ran out of gas? Close. I was driving home from a friends house and thought I wasn't gonna make it the gas station(I still have 10 miles to go and was running on E for a while)

34:Favorite kind of sandwich? Ham and mayo, ham and cheese(grilled)

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, biscuits, cheese(on the eggs).  

36:What is your usual bedtime? anywhere between 9 and 11pm. Depends on if I'm staying up to hang with the fiance.  

37:Are you lazy? Yes!

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Belle, Cinderella, witch, hippie, bunny

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? Sheep

40:How many languages can you speak? English, but I'm learning Spanish very slowly.

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? nope. 

42:Which are better: legos or lincoln logs? Legos 

43:Are you stubborn? I'm a taurus, hell yes. I am one of the most stubborn person. 

44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I don't watch either one...

45:Ever watch soap operas? Yes, I used to watch The Young and the Restless with my mother. I reallly got into it but after missing a few episodes got over it.

46:Are you afraid of heights? Nope. 

47:Do you sing in the car? All the time

48:Do you sing in the shower? Nope. Not no more. 

49:Do you dance in the car? Ha all the time

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Fitness Check In.

Its been a while since I posted about fitness. I am really determined to lose this weight, more so now than I was before. I've realized all this time has passed since I made the goal to lose this weight and haven't done all that much to do it.

Bad Taylor, right?

Yes.

About two weeks ago I posted on my facebook page(my real page not fan page) my goal. I told all my friends and family what my weight is right now(141 lbs), have my goal weight is (120-125 lbs), when I wanted to lose all that weight(15-20lbs) and what I was going to reward myself with if I did it($100 to buy new clothing, shoes, ect. basically anything I wanted).

I was honestly shocked by the comments I got, and although not many people commented, the people who mean to most to me did. And shockingly I was told by two people(my uncle and my grandmother) that if I meet my goal they would each meet my prize money. Which for me means that if I lose my weight by the time I want to I will then have 300 dollars to spend instead of 100 dollars. Which for me is great and means I can literally throw out most(if not all) of my clothing and start over completely with my style. I was excited.

Here's the kicker though, I still wasn't motivated. For whatever reason I have the hardest time getting motivated to do something. I want to lose the weight, I want to feel better about myself and be happy with the person I see in the mirror.

I'm not sure if it has to do with my history of depression and the fact that I still have it but don't do a thing about it, or if I'm truly am lazy.

I can't get myself to exercise but I have cut back on food. I'm trying, I really am, My hubby has even noticed. I don't eat big servings like I used to, I'm not drinking soda all day, I've cut back on sweets, etc.

For a while I was eating a salad for lunch instead of pasta or a hot dog. We ran out of lettuce and haven't been to the store in a week(we go every two weeks). So I'm stuck trying to find something else that's not bad for me for lunch. So far I haven't been doing that good.

Two nights age we ordered Chinese, I barely ate it. I was feeling sick that day and wasn't really eating that day due to feeling nauseous.

If I eat a big meal I try to make sure its either breakfast or lunch and before 2 pm. I don't allow myself to eat or drink anything but water after 7pm. The only time I will eat after 7pm is if I haven't eaten dinner yet for whatever reason then I will eat a little.

I'm going to be trying to cut out grains after 2pm as well.

Some days I do so much better than others. I'm trying to be good, I'm trying to start slowly, I'm trying not to get to where I was in high school where I ate once a day and that was it. Yes I was skinny but I wasn't healthy. I was anorexic or anything.

Truth be told I hated my life. I really did. My mother was(still is) married to a complete and total jack ass. I never wanted to be around him. I hated and feared him. When my mother was out(hair appt, nail appt, shopping, ect) and something was messy or whatever(even if it was his own mess), he turned into this jerk and he would go around bitching and yelling at me. And me being the smart-ass, rebel chick I was(and still am) would talk back. He would threaten me, yell at me, talk down to me, whatever he could do to make me feel like shit. I never showed him that it affected me. He would make me stand in the corner(still at the age of 18) and continue to yell and belittle me. I stand there with my arms crossed, my hip out and this look on my face like 'is-this-the-best-you-can-do?' and roll my eyes at him. While on the inside I was scared. He never touched me, never tried, but that didn't mean I didn't fear him in some way.

My mom and step dad didn't work so he was always home. Needless to say I staid in my room and when I did leave I snuck around the house, trying to eat when he was in the shower or not home. But he rarely left so I rarely ate. My mother didn't cook either, every night was fend for yourself and make sure your sister eats. I always made sure she ate, but never really cared about myself. I never ate in the morning and the lunch money I got once a week I saved so I could buy clothing or hang out with my friends. I didn't get an allowance and I never asked for money to go shopping. I wasn't allowed to get a job either.

I lived for the weekends once I got a car. Weekends when I was out was when I ate. It was always fast food; Taco Bell, McDonald's, Chick-fil-a, pizza, etc. I was very unhealthy and very skinny.

When I got out that house at the age of 18, right after graduation, I moved in with my dad, they cooked dinner every night(unless we had a few nights left overs), we did things together, I worked and went to school, I had a bunch of family around my dad, I had yummy food(He lives in New Orleans, yummmm). I found myself eating three or more meals a day. In a year and a half I gained 20 lbs. I didn't even notice that I was gaining weight really. I knew my pant size had gone up but it never really hit me that I was gaining weight, that I need to slow down, eat a little better, not eat out so much. But it was such a nice change, I was happy. I was out of that crazy house, I wasn't sneaking around to eat, I wasn't a mother to my little sister.

When I did finally notice I was gaining weight I told myself I needed to cut back, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was always running late to school, so I always ate fast food, my boss gave us money for food when we were working so it was fast food again. I just couldn't stop eating. And then I found out I was pregnant, so now I really wasn't going to lose any weight. I was over 130lbs when I go pregnant, lost 15lbs due to morning sickness, then at the end of my pregnancy I was 165lbs. I was 135lbs a month after I gave birth. Then a few months later I meet my now fiance. We worked together so we took lunch together and again I was back on the fast food track. I tried bringing lunch to work but I wanted to hang out with him, talk to him, etc. So eventually I stopped bringing lunch. I wasn't really gaining weight though due to my job, I was always standing, walking, going up and down stairs. So my weight staid the same. Then we moved in together and moved to Chicago, and once again I was happy. I had moved back into that crazy house after giving birth and was put down a lot, talked down to. So when I left I was happy again. And again, my weight showed for it. In a 6 months I had gained 5-7lbs. Now, 8 months later I weight 141lbs.

My fiance doesn't care that I'm gaining weight, he loves me all the same but I don't feel pretty, I feel fat, ugly, gross, etc. I don't want to feel that way. I want to look good and feel good about myself.

I want to lose weight, I want to look good, I want to be happy in my skin. I'm going to do it. I will do it. For me, for my son, and for my fiance. I want to look amazing when I finally walk down the isle and I want to know that I look that good because I started losing weight, eating right and exercising year(s) before. That I've looked that good for a year now.

I will do it. The weather should be getting warmer soon and I will go for a walk, I will take my son to the park and play with him and run around and chase him. I will lose 15-20lbs by the end of summer. And I will eat right and be healthy.

I need to do it, I have to.

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Movie Review: Pitch Perfect

So I know some of you have seen this movie but for those of you who haven't, I would like to give my review.

My future Hubby and I rented Pitch Perfect this weekend and watched it twice.

Yes, twice.

We watched it Thursday night and again Friday during the day. We keep quoting the movie.

So for those of you who don't know what its about, basically, its set during college and these different groups of a cappella singers. The Barden Bellas are a collegiate, all-girls a cappella singing group thriving on female pop songs and their perfect looks. After a disastrous failing at last year's finals, they are forced to regroup. Among the new recruits is freshman Beca, an independent, aspiring DJ with no interest in the college life. But after she meets Jesse, from the rival all-male a cappella group, Beca has a new outlook and takes it upon herself to help the Bellas find their new look and sound and get back into the competition.

Its funny, witty, and even has that 'awe' factor in it. 

The mixes in the movie are great and catchy. And it really is an amazing movie. 

The reviews online only give this movie 4 starts but I, personally, would give it 5 stars. It was a great movie and one I would watch all the time.

It was just as exciting, funny, and witty as the first time I saw it. 

I'm not sure if I enjoyed it more because I have been in choir since 6th grade and singing since before I could talk. But I really did enjoy it. 

It is rated PG-13, but it is a family movie. If you watch it alone or with your friend/family, you all will be laughing and smiling until the very end, and even afterwards. 

This is defiantly a movie I wish I had bought instead of rented. 

There is so much I want to say about this movie but won't in fear of ruining it for those of you who have yet to see it. 

Hope you enjoyed my review and if you have seen it please give your thoughts in the comments, and if not I hope you enjoyed my review and will get off that couch, or chair, or off of whatever it is you are sitting on and go rent it or even buy it. You will not be disappointed!

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Being Sick Sucks

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. Everyone in this house is sick.

It started with the baby, then me, and now everyone else. Oh the joy. I'm always tired, can't stop sneezing, is congested, etc. We are all there ATM. It sucks.

My appetite keeps coming and going, my son wont touch food at all.

I'll try to post something for monday, I'm hoping I'll be a lot more better by then so I can post something worth reading.

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The Dilemma That is Birth Control

Now a days there are millions different types of birth control.

Ok maybe not a million but there is a lot. 

I've been going back and forth recently about getting back on it or not. If I do, what kind do I want?

There are many different types.

Examples: IUD, Patch, Pill, Shots, and Implant.

IUD's are ones that go up your vagina, are T-shaped, and depending on the kind you get, you either take out every 3 weeks or it stays in for up to 10 years. There is the pargaurd, the mirena, the nuvaring, the sponge, the cervical cap, and the diaphragm. The only way to remove most of these are by your doctor. 

The patch is pretty basic, its a square, it sticks to you and you replace it every week. Pretty easy, pretty basic.

The pill, well we all know about the pill. You take it every day at the same time. Just like the patch its pretty easy and pretty basic.

The shot last 3 months, you go in every three months to your doctors office and receive it. 

The implant is one that goes in your arm by numbing your arm in the locations its going and they use a huge needle to get it in. It last up to three years, it can be removed anytime but like the IUD must be removed by your doctor.

Now from my personal experience, the pill is hard b.c I don't regularly take a pill everyday so I do forget. I got the depo shot and I was on my period for three weeks and off for one the whole three months I was on it. It sucked horribly and I was so happy when the three months ended. It was then I went back on the pill.

Currently I have a prescription for the patch but upon talking to my fiancé's cousin, who is a research fanatic and knows everything about every type of birth control(as well as other things haha) has brought the my attention that the BEST form of birth control is the pill. So upon hearing that I have yet to bring in my prescription to walgreens. I have an appointment on the 15th to go and talk to my obgyn and will more than likely switch back to the pill. 

What about you? If your on birth control, what form are you on?

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March 1: Self-harm Awareness Day

Today is March 1, 2013, Self-Harm Awareness Day. This day is a big day for me, probably one of the biggest awareness day's out there and there are a lot. My top two is Self-Harm awareness and Day of Silence. 

But today we are going to talk about Self-Harm. This is a very touchy subject for me, and for others as well. All I ask is that you respect me and anyone who may comment. If you post any hatred your comment will be removed. Please be respectful, thats all I ask.

In honor of today, you are to wear an orange ribbon, draw an orange butterfly on your wrist or write "LOVE" on your arm. 

I will also warn you that for some this post may be a trigger and bring back painful memories. 

I would like everyone who reads this to know that I am here for anyone who needs help. If you could like to contact me please do so.

Email: taylorrenee773@gmail.com
Kik: tayyrenee773

My email and kik is always opened and on(unless I am not near free wifi).

On to the blog post.

Self-harm comes in many different forms; cutting, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects. Self-injury is the result of 40-60% of all suicides. Although self-harm is a choice, many see it as the only option. 
People self-harm for many reason. Some feel empty, useless, a burden to others, a release, an escape. They don't know how to cope with things in their life and self-harm is there outlet. 

I used to cut. It started back in 2006, I have been clean for almost 2 years now. When I first started out it was on my arm. I have been lucky enough that the cuts on my arm were never deep enough to leave a scar. However, soon after starting my mother found out. I stopped cutting on my arm and moved on to my thighs. I do have scars on my upper thigh but not as many as I should, again I was lucky enough that I didn't cut deep enough all the times. After my mom finding out I went to therapy, continued to cut without telling anyone and did so for a year. I got myself to stop but had a lot of slip ups for about a year or two. In March of 2011 I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was nervous, worried, and upset. I was so confused as to what I wanted to do. When I finally was calm a few weeks later and made my choice to keep my baby I also made the choice that I would stop cutting for my son, and for myself. That was when I officially stopped. 

I still from time to time get the urge and each time I don't. All my razors have been gone for a while and I'm clean. I'm proud to say that I am a survivor. 

In honor of today I have filled out the "Show us your story" image. 

I know that some people feel that no one cares, no one loves them, no one would care if they were to die. But I do. I care, I love you, I would care if something happened to you. You matter to me.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't care about them. Someone cares, me. I will always care. 


If you ever consider suicide, please remember me, remember that I care and love you. That I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to, bitch to, cry to, whine to. I'm here and I care. Never forget that.

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